Tenets of Companioning the Bereaved

By Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Ph.D.

 

Tenet One

Companioning is about being present to another's pain; it is not about taking away the pain.

 

Tenet Two

Companioning is about going into the wilderness of the soul with another human being; it is not about thinking you are responsible for finding the way out.

 

Tenet Three

Companioning is about honoring the spirit; it is not about focusing on the intellect,

 

Tenet Four

Companioning is about listening with the heart; it is not about analyzing with the head.

 

Tenet Five

Companioning is about bearing witness to the struggles of others; it is not about judging or directing these struggles.

Tenet Six

Companioning is about walking alongside; it is not about leading or being led.

 

Tenet Seven

Companioning is about discovering the gifts of sacred silence; it does not mean filling up every moment with words.

 

Tenet Eight

Companioning is about being still; it is not about frantic movement forward.

 

Tenet Nine

Companioning is about respecting order and confusion; it is not about imposing order and logic.

 

Tenet Ten

Companioning is about learning from others; it is not about teaching them.

 

Tenet Eleven

Companioning is about compassionate curiosity; it is not about expertise.

 

 

Source:  Hospice of the Foothills, Grass Valley, CA.

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Grief and mourning are the same experience

 

Grief is a term for the thoughts and feelings we experience within when someone we love dies.

 

Mourning is taking the internal experience of grief and expressing it outside of us. Another way of defining mourning is to say that it is "grief gone public" or "sharing one's grief outside of oneself." It is defined as a period of time during which signs of grief are shown.

 

Many people in our culture grieve, but they do not mourn, instead of being encouraged to grieve outwardly, they are greeted with messages to "carry on, keep busy," and "keep your chin up."

 

They end up grieving within themselves, in isolation, instead of mourning outside of themselves in the presence of loving companions and community.

 

There is a predictable and orderly stage-like progression to the experience of mourning

 

Stage-like thinking about grieving seems to help people try to make sense out of an experience that isn't so orderly and predictable as we would like.

 

Disorganization, fear, guilt or anger may or may not occur. Often we repeat "stages" and, invariably, some overlapping occurs. Sometimes two or more emotions are present at the same time.

 

People mourn differently because each person's experience is unique.

 

It is best to move away from grief instead of toward it

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Refusing to allow tears, suffering in silence and "being strong" are thought to be admirable behaviors, this is our society's message that mourning should be done quietly, quickly and efficiently. The grieving person who shows an apparent absence of mourning tends to be more socially accepted by those around him or her.

 

This pretense, however, does not meet the emotional needs of the bereaved person. Instead he or she is likely to feel further isolated in their grieving and begin wondering, "Am I going crazy?"  Attempting to mask or move away from grief results in internal anxiety and confusion.

 

It is through the process of moving toward pain that we move toward eventual healing.

 

Following the death of someone significant to you, the goal is to "get over" your grief

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We never “get over” our grief but instead we can experience integration of the loss. To assume that life will be exactly as it was prior to the death is unrealistic.

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Integration is a process and not an event. The pain changes from being ever present, sharp and stinging to an acknowledged feeling of loss.

 

The sense of loss does not completely disappear, but softens, and the intense pangs of grief become less frequent.

 

Hope for a continued life emerges as we are able to make commitments to the future, knowing that our loved one will never be forgotten, yet knowing that one's own life can and will move forward.

 

Tearful expression of grief is a sign of weakness

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Unfortunately many people associate tears of grief with personal inadequacy and weakness. This  probably comes from the fact that our tears often give rise to feelings of helplessness in friends, family and caregivers. Out of a wish to protect mourners from pain, friends and family may try to stop the expression of tears.

 

Yet crying is nature's way of releasing internal tension in the body and allows the mourner to communicate a need to be comforted.

 

Researchers suggest that suppressing tears may increase susceptibility to stress-related disorders. Crying may cleanse harmful toxins out of the body.

 

People seem to feel better after crying. The capacity to express tears appears to allow for a genuine healing.

 

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More Misconceptions

 

• We should not mention the name of the deceased when talking to the bereaved

• Grief work is only done in private

• We only grieve when someone has died

• Only close relatives grieve

• With time, grief declines in a steadily decreasing fashion

• Just talking about your feelings will resolve your grief

• Intense and lengthy grief is an indicator of deep love

• Grief is usually resolved within a year

•The grief after a sudden death is the same as that after a lengthy illness and death

 

Source:  Hospice of the Foothills, Grass Valley, CA.

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